Changes
by AlchemyOtaku0922
Summary: It took me a moment to process the scene in front of me, but, once I did, it was forever burned into my memory, and I know I can never erase it.  Rated for depression and mentions of suicide. Oneshot. MXM


**Author's Note: Okay, so this was originally going to be a multi-chaptered fic but then just turned into a oneshot…? Lol…not sure how that happened. Oh well : ) I actually really liked the concept of this one…I hope you guys enjoy it! **

He's different.

Of course, that's to be expected when you don't see someone for five years. People grow up, they change.

But he's _so_ different.

Where's that energetic redheaded gamer I used to know? The one full of life, the one who always wore a smile. So laidback, yet so talkative. It was as if nothing ever bothered him.

But now…well, now he was like a whole different person. Quiet, reserved, sluggish. His eyes, once a bright green that never failed to make me smile, were now diminished to a dull, lifeless shade that made him look more dead than alive.

I have to say, the scariest thing is how little he talks. It used to be that I could never get him to shut up, now not even the topic of the latest and greatest video game could get him to keep up a conversation for more than five minutes.

As much as I hate to admit it, it scares me. It's the only thing that really _does _scare me, actually. I mean, I'm in the mafia. I've seen a lot. It's not easy to freak me out.

But it's different with Matt. I _care _about him. No matter how much I don't want to, I do. I'm not a cold, emotionless robot like that twit, Near. I have feelings. Especially for Matt…

I wonder if I should talk to him? I mean, I know we may have called each other friends at one point, but, like I said, he's a different person now. We're like complete strangers.

_But somewhere in him is the Matt you knew. _I reminded myself. _The Matt you _love_. _

I took a deep breath, summoning my courage. _Just talk to him. What's the worst that could happen? _

"Matt?" I called out, unsure of where in the apartment he was. He wasn't in the kitchen or the living room, so the most logical place would be his bedroom, where he spends most of his time, anyway.

"Matt?" I called from the other side of his door, a little softer this time, so he wouldn't hear my voice shake.

_Am I really that nervous? _No. There was something else wrong. Something just didn't seem…right. I could sense it.

When no response came, I decided to let myself in. It's _my _apartment, after all. I shouldn't even _have _to knock before coming in. That was Matt's stupid rule.

"_You would be mad if I just barged into your room." _He had insisted. After a short argument about it I quickly gave in. When Matt wanted something there was no point in fighting him on it.

But, when I opened that door, I almost wished I hadn't. It took me a moment to process the scene in front of me, but, once I did, it was forever burned into my memory, and I know I can never erase it.

Matt had a gun pressed against his head and a suprised expression on his face.

I stared at him as he slowly lowered the gun, looking a bit guilty. I wanted to say something, but no words would come. What is someone _supposed _to say in a situation like this? I could never even _imagine_ Matt trying to kill himself. What reason would he have to?

The image of Matt as a child flashed in my mind. The innocence, the happiness, his beautiful smile…I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. This was too much.

"Mello…" He whispered. I was expecting him to apologize or at least _explain _his actions, but, instead, he simply asked, "What do you want?"

I stared at him, an incredulous look plastered across my face. Is he _kidding _me? I walk into his room, see him about to shoot himself, and that's what he has to say for himself?

"I want to know why you have a gun." I answer, trying to stay as calm as possible.

"You gave it to me," He replied calmly. "To protect myself," a slightly twisted smirk flitted across his face, "remember?"

_Good one, Mello. _I scolded myself. _Give a depressed kid a gun. Probably the smartest thing you've ever done. No wonder you were number two. _

"I didn't know you were going to do _this _with it." I hissed, quickly become frustrated.

"It's not really any of your business, anyway, Mello," He simply replied, the smirk gone. "If you hadn't barged into my room without my permission you wouldn't have even known."

I gave a frustrated sigh. Sometimes it seems like he _enjoys _making me angry. "If I hadn't 'barged into your room', Matt, you would be dead," I protested. I paused for a moment before continuing. "_I would have had to _find _you." _

I could see Matt physically flinch. I knew his past. I knew he had already had experience with suicide. When he was seven he had found his mother after she slit her wrists. She was already gone before Matt could do anything to save her.

So, what confused me was, knowing how it felt, why would Matt try to put me through the same thing?

"You're a mafia boss," He countered. "I know you've killed people. It's not like you haven't seen someone die before." He kept up a strong façade, but I could hear his voice falter at the word 'die'.

"This is different, Matt!" I exclaimed, exasperated.

"How?" He shouted, tears beginning to brim in his eyes.

"Because I love you!"

There was a short silence. Matt looked at me, tears stubbornly streaming down his face, surprised.

"I've never really cared about anyone else," I continued, "so it wasn't as difficult to see them dead," Matt furiously wiped away the tears as I talked. "But you…Matt, you're my best friend. God, did you honestly think I wouldn't care?"

"I…" He was silent for a moment, thinking of what to say, before quietly replying, "I didn't know you cared about me anymore." His expression was that of genuine confusion, as if he couldn't grasp the concept.

"Of _course _I care!" I shouted in amazement. "I never _stopped _caring!" How could he honestly believe this?

"Then why did you leave me?" He asked, his voice hoarse and shaky.

A wave of guilt spread throughout my body. I knew Matt would harbor some resentment towards me for abandoning him, but I never expected the hurt that shown on his face.

"I knew I was going to get into some bad stuff, Matt," I began gently, finally daring to go over and sit down on the bed next to him. "I didn't want you involved. I mean, I _did _join the mafia. What kind of life is that?" Matt nodded in understanding. I took a deep breath before continuing. There was something that still bothered me.

"So…_I'm _the reason you're so depressed?" I questioned quietly, averting my eyes from his gaze.

"No, Mello," He said gently. "I was always depressed. I just hid it well. To tell you the truth…even then I thought about suicide a lot. It's just, back then, you always found a way to make me smile." He smirked.

"Well, we can go back to how we were back then." I suggested, desperately wanting to be close to Matt again.

"No," He immediately responded. "I don't want to be your friend anymore, Mello."

I looked at him in shock. How could say that so bluntly? Did all those years of friendship mean nothing to him?

His lips twisted into a smile. "I want to be more."

I smiled back at him. For a moment I could catch a glimpse of that part of him that still housed the old Matt, the one I fell in love with, but that didn't matter. I loved Matt just the way he was, even if he has changed, and I'm determined to make sure he never has a reason for even contemplating ending his life again. I would give him a million reasons to live.

With that thought in mind, I leaned in for a kiss. As his lips met mine, he slowly lowered himself on the bed and the kiss deepened. It was then that I realized how long I had been waiting for this moment. Matt and I, together, nothing or no one else in the world mattered. Not Kira or L or Near.

Suddenly I remembered the gun, and, without breaking our connection, I reached down and plucked it off the bed and placed it in the waist of my leather pants. I would have to remember to hide it somewhere later that Matt wouldn't find it and be able to hurt himself. I wanted to enjoy this moment without having to worry about such gruesome things, but I was still concerned about my best friend-I mean, _boyfriend's _health.

Soon Matt pulled away from me and gave me a smile-one of the first genuine smiles I had seen from him in a long time. I smiled back at him, so glad to see him happy for once.

I laid down on the bed next to him, my arms wrapped around his waist.

It felt so nice just to be there, next to him. I felt like we were young again.

"Everything's going to be okay." I assured him.

"I know." He mumbled back.

"I love you." I whispered.

"I love you, too."

And, like that, we both fell asleep.


End file.
